


Wonder What She Thinks of Me

by deedae



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Boys In Love, Buck PoV, Cheating, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, I'm Bad At Tagging, Infidelity, M/M, Married Eddie Diaz, by chloe x halle, kisses mwah, lots of feelings, they cant help it, yes it is inspired by track 12 of the Ungodly hour
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-22
Updated: 2020-09-22
Packaged: 2021-03-07 20:48:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26593939
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deedae/pseuds/deedae
Summary: Eddie chuckles and shakes his head, “I should get going.”Buck wishes he wasn’t though. It takes everything in him to say..“Bye, Eddie”“Bye, Evan”
Relationships: Eddie Diaz/Shannon Diaz (9-1-1 TV), Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz (9-1-1 TV)
Comments: 5
Kudos: 85





	Wonder What She Thinks of Me

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote all of this in a rush in the middle of Biology class when "Wonder What She Thinks of Me" by Chloe X Halle suddenly started playing. Hope it's good!
> 
> edit: omg i just realized this is my first buddie fic and its a cheating fic 💀

Buck finally found the _one_. He finally knows what true love feels like. It drives him absolutely crazy at times, his heart feels like it’s soaring in clear skies, and Buck can’t remember a time he’s ever felt like this before.

And a man named Eddie Diaz is the cause for all of that.

All it took was a cautious kiss between the best friends at Buck’s apartment and it snowballed into a night of tangled limbs and sweet nothings. After all that they delved into their future together, knowing they shouldn’t but they can’t help it. After all the longing stares and soft touches, this was inevitable. They need and want each other in so many ways that Buck couldn’t even physically explain. 

There’s a voice telling him not to go through with it but he deserves to be happy, he wants to do something for himself for once. 

One look at Christopher’s smile that puts even the brightest stars to shame and Eddie’s brown eyes that never fail to make Buck feel like he’s melting, he has no regrets.

At least that's what he wants to believe.

He can’t pretend the pain he feels every time Eddie rises from the bed they’ve shared over months, leaving Buck sated and only in sheets, and watches as his lover dresses up after a night of physical intimacy and promises they know they can’t keep doesn’t _hurt_. He can’t help but second-guess everything they’ve done as he watches Eddie slip on a diamond band on his ring finger with ease. Whenever Buck locks his eyes on the diamond ring his lover bought in a time in his life where he was happy with someone else, he feels like the firetruck is on top of him all over again. 

Buck wants that _so_ bad, and it deeply wounds him more than anything knowing he could never have it. 

But Eddie pulls him back every time.

It’s not unusual for Eddie to notice him being in his head before he leaves, but it’s uncommon for him to say something about it.

“That was amazing.” Eddie says while tying his shoes. The blonde’s been quiet, his back against the headboard of the bed as he gazes at Eddie.

“It was.” He mutters amid the inner turmoil, ”It always is.” 

His tone must be off as Eddie turns his head and locks eyes with Buck. The brunette offers a small smile to him. If people were to see them, it would be seen as a smile between lovers, but Buck can read Eddie so well that sometimes he wishes he can’t. He can see that the grin is faltering and the hazel eyes convey a deep sadness that Buck feels to his core. 

_‘I’m sorry.’_

Despite that, Buck manages to smile back at Eddie, but seeing how Eddie reacts, his face must be mirroring his.

“I love you, Evan”, Eddie sounds torn, like Eddie leaving hurts him as much as it hurts Buck.

“I love you too, Eds”

The brunette walks to the bed, and leans down to Buck, and presses a kiss on his lips. He immediately kisses back, it’s ingrained within Buck to do so. Like it’s become a part of his DNA for his body to give himself to Eddie. 

The kiss turns desperate as Buck closes his eyes and tilts his head then places his hand at the back of Eddie’s head. Eddie returns the favor by cupping the blonde’s left cheek and biting the bottom lip of Buck, which causes a moan to escape his mouth. 

After they break apart (much to Buck’s disappointment), they rest their foreheads on each other, happy smiles as they catch their breath.

“Don’t start something you can’t finish, Buckley.”

“You kissed me first, Diaz.”

“A little goodbye kiss never hurt.”

And just like that their bubble is burst yet again. It settles into Buck again that Eddie is fully dressed and ready to go while he’s on their bed, only a sheet covering him. 

Eddie is leaving, again, and despite how loved his lover’s eyes and kisses make him feel, their goodbyes always hurt.

“Does it have to be a goodbye kiss?” Buck gently tightens his hold on the back of the brunette’s head, trying to convey how badly he wants Eddie to stay.

“Evan….” Eddie says quietly. 

“Would that be so bad? I-” Buck abruptly stops. He’s being selfish. Buck’s not the only one feeling this way and not the only one affected by what’ll happen if Eddie does stay. 

This is the price he has to pay for being in love.

After a beat of silence, “Evan, look at me”. The gentle tone gets Buck to open his eyes and he’s greeted by beautiful brown orbs he’s been lost in countless times. 

He wishes he could get lost in them forever.

Eddie brushes Buck’s cheeks with his thumb and he leans into the touch.

  
  


“One day, cariño, one day. You, me and Chris, forever.” and that sounds like paradise to Buck. He’ll do anything to have that.

“Yeah?” He feels himself genuinely smile.

“Yeah.” Eddie says, mirroring Buck’s dopey smile. 

They share one more kiss. It’s not desperate nor rushed, it's soft and a reminder of what Buck waited years for and the further years to come.

A beeping sound crashes Buck back to reality.

“There goes the alarm,” Eddie removes his hand on Buck's cheek (He misses the touch too much already) and straightens up from his position of leaning. The brunette rubs the back of his neck as he silences the alarm on his phone with his free hand, “I told Shannon I would be back by twelve”

Buck nods tightly, this is the part he always dreaded, “You better go soon. I think I tired you out too much for you to have an argument with her.”

Eddie chuckles without any mirth and shakes his head, “I should get going.”

Buck wishes he wasn’t though. It takes everything in him to say..

“Bye, Eddie”

“Bye, Evan”

Eddie turns around, walks to the door of the bedroom and spares one last look at Buck, a look Buck understands and feels all too well. The brunette goes through the door and disappears from Buck’s sight. He may have gotten used to it, but the sight of Eddie always leaving never fails to chip away at his heart.

He’s left on their bed, in the darkness of the bedroom. The apartment is silent, a pin drop could be heard from how quiet it is, but he doesn’t hear the sound of Eddie leaving. 

Hope fills Buck but immediately gets drained out when he remembers Eddie always leaves quietly. Eddie has a wife and kid to get home to and the last thing he needs is Buck’s neighbors catching him leaving at a suspicious hour.

Buck moves himself from sitting against the headboard to laying back down on his bed. In the darkness, he stares at the ceiling as his brain wanders to a train of thought he’s been on too often.

Despite all the measures he and Eddie take to make sure what they do and have is not found out by anyone. They’ve slipped up every now and then.

Buck got lost in the moment once and left a mark on a revealing part of Eddie’s neck that he couldn’t hide. 

Eddie accidentally replied ‘Ev’ when asked about how the love of his life was doing. 

Buck’s cologne gets on Eddie’s clothes all the time. It can be excused as a new cologne the brunette uses but not to Shannon. That’s Eddie’s wife, she would know what fragrances he uses.

Whenever Buck needs Eddie, his lover drops everything to be with him, even though he’s with Shannon. 

Through all of that, Shannon has said nothing. At least to Buck’s knowledge.

He’s met her properly only once, and that was when he and Eddie weren’t together. Other than that he makes sure to avoid conversation with her and being in proximity of her and Eddie at all cost. 

A pang of guilt hits his chest, is this who he has become? Falling in love with a married man? 

But then he thinks of how he feels when he holds Eddie close, how Eddie comes to him when Shannon and he fight or when Eddie’s parents interfere, and how Eddie whole-heartedly trusts Christopher with Buck. He knows it's dangerous and his love for Eddie is driving him insane, but he can’t help but believe it's never wrong when you’re in love. 

Buck slowly drifts off to sleep, thinking…

_‘I wonder what she thinks of me’_

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are very very appreciated!!!!
> 
> My twitter @actuallykinkade '3'
> 
> STREAM UNGODLY HOUR BY CHLOE X HALLE


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